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Kim Dotcom – An anticipatory obituary

February 11, 2012

Yes, it’s true, the FBI are in the process of arse-raping the internet. Kim Dotcom, famous for his exploits as an internet hacker, being a fat German and owner of MegaUpload, is probably already sharing a patch of floor with half of Al Qaeda in Gauntanamo Bay. As a tribute to the man who became an icon for video piracy on the internet and obesity, I’ve decided to write an obituary. It’s not really that premature; if the FBI don’t finish him off, then heart disease almost certainly will. And yes, I’m aware that it’s technically the New Zealand police who are currently holding him, but that’s only until the FBI can get their massive ban-hammer fully erect enough to shatter his hopes and dreams anus.

The FBI are just bullies; picking on this guy is like picking on a fat baby Meatloaf with stubble

Kim Dotcom was born Kim Schmitz on January 21st 1974 in the German city of Kiel. The citizens of the town, used to their quiet, provincial lifestyles, plentiful bratwursts and gentle alcohol excess, could not possibly have known that greatness had come among them

As a child, Kim did not stand out so much as stand across. What he lacked in personality he made up for in width. As with many great geniuses throughout history, Kim lived a lonely life, his only comfort his incredible intellectual capacity for food. Bullied incessantly by thinner, less intelligent children, Kim began to withdraw into himself, using his physical bulk as a shield against the cruelty of life. It was not until the early 1990s that Kim finally found his chance to shine.

It was at that time that the mighty Time Lord Steve Jobs travelled into the future to construct a time machine so that he could travel back in time to invent the internet by conceiving himself with a 56K modem. The resulting data explosion created the interwebnethighway, and started a global boom in the pornography industry. As a compulsive masturbation addict (i.e. a man), Kim soon found that he had a way with computers that he lacked with women. Computers were everything that women were not – logical, unable to run away and complete with an instruction manual. Additionally, classes for how to program computers weren’t as expensive or rapey as NLP classes run by sex-pest pick-up artists/evil wizards.

Mystery - a pick up artist. It's probably unfair to stereotype him as a sexually ambiguous rapist, in the same way that it's unfair to assume that a man balls-deep in a sheep is a sick fuck

The teenage Kim soon earned a reputation as the greatest hacker in all of Kiel, effortlessly cracking several US corporate systems. However, unlike most basement dwelling, perpetually single computer hacking nerds, Kim was not satisfied with the simple thrill of outwitting such basic security. He knew, even then, that money was the key to his happiness. Given that he was one of the best hackers the still young internet had ever experienced, Kim tried a career in data protection. Not much is known about why he failed, but almost certainly it was through no fault of his own. It probably had something to do with the residual temporal flux from Steve Jobs’ eternal battle on the axis of time with his immortal enemy, Bill “You look like you’re writing a letter, do you need help” Gates. Even in the face of such adversity, Kim could not be overcome, and in 1994 he started his own data security company. He named it ‘DataProtect’.

It's important to protect both one's balls and data

Unfortunately for Kim, soon after this he was arrested for trading in stolen credit card numbers. Some say that the FBI needed to sate their rapacious desire for legal smackdowns, and targeted an innocent young Kim. However, such cheap tactics were not enough to hold Kim Dotcom, who escaped from federal prison with ease, using his immense bulk to knock out one guard, and eating another. Alternatively, he may just have been given a probationary sentence of two years. We may never know the truth.

While Kim could sense the currents of the future flowing around him, he was not clairvoyant. He knew that something terrible was coming and it chilled him to the bone, even wrapped in the warmth of the dot-com bubble and his own significant layers of adipose insulation. In 2000, Kim sold 80% of the shares in DataProtect to some faggy other company. In 2001, that same company went bankrupt as the dot-com bubble burst and sprayed the markets in soapy internet liquid, causing them to crash due to the stinging in their eyes. Was this all coincidence? Experts consider that to be highly unlikely; it is probable that Kim, sensing that something was amiss, consulted a soothsayer.

Kim was now a fully grown man; 6’6″ tall, and weighing in at 300 tonnes, he now had the physical presence to match his vast intellect. Using this well-earned cash, Kim engaged in some ingenius insider trading. The Feds, jealous of his newfound success, decided to attempt to gang rape Kim, but showing that they lacked the ability to learn from past mistakes, they ended up slamming him with yet another crappy 2 year probation.

It was shortly after this, in 2005, that Kim achieved his greatest masterwork – the creation of Megaupload. Based in Communist China free Hong Kong, Kim was able to make money by exploiting pop-stars. Of course, the concept of a lazy fuck profiteering from a singer’s work is something completely alien to record companies, who collectively clenched their buttocks at the shitstorm of music piracy that was flooding the internet (threatening to overwhelm the porn), the vast majority of which had nothign to do with Kim Dotcom. After 7 years of multimillionaire bitch-boys crying about how unfair it was that someone other than themselves was getting rich, the FBI sensed that the time was ripe to finally complete their vengeance. Sony Music sealed the deal by promising the Feds 17 free copies of an Abba CD of their choice, a Lil Jon-English dictionary, and both of Lady Gaga’s testicles. Thus for 20 pieces of shit, the saviour of the internet was sold out, made to be a scapegoat for… Fuck knows.

On January 20, 2012, armed New Zealand sheep police officers raided the Auckland mansion of Kim Dotcom and spit-roasted him with their riot control truncheons. His mouth and anus still reeling from the foul taste of merino justice, Kim had no choice but to submit to this humiliation. Now the fattest man of our generation can do nothing but await his extradition to the USA where the adipophobic FBI are eagerly awaiting his arrival.

A typical New Zealand police officer in full uniform, complete with penis warmer

And so ends the tale of Kim Dotcom, destined to spend the rest of his life losing weight in Guantanamo Bay.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. February 13, 2012 2:16 pm

    The ‘sheep-shagging bobby’ is possibly the best thing I’ve ever seen.

    I’m not sure what that says about me, but not sure it matters.


  2. February 15, 2012 7:27 pm

    I’d love to take credit for that picture, but alas, it was the work of some unknown genius. Perhaps it was Kim Dotcom…

  3. October 21, 2012 8:34 pm

    yo’, where you at? x

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