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February 9, 2012

Fear not, radio fans! Once again, I subject my ears to the most terrible abuse, so that you don’t have to!

Flo Rida – Wild Ones ft Sia

I don’t know who or what ‘Sia’ is. But whatever he/she/it is, they have made a deal with the devil. Not a metaphorical deal. I mean literally, with the devil. Flo Rida is surely divine punishment for the sins of mankind; truly, God is not merciful.

Anyway, I remember hearing this song on the radio, and when I woke up from the anger stroke I suffered, I decided to rant about it online. Being the conscientious reporter that I am, I decided to find the song on youtube in order to re-experience the horror, when I came across this little gem that made my day.

37 people helping the dream come true

I honestly can’t think of anything to add to that. Genius comments aside, I then forced myself to listen to the ‘song’. The lyrics seem to go “blah blah wild one, ooooooooooooh, blah blah blah wild one, blah blah blah ooooooooooooh, blah blah wild one wild one wild one wild one” which by Flo Rida’s standard is a veritable paragon of eloquence and elegance. The only good thing about it was when it ended.

No Mr Rida, that facial hair does not in any way make you look like a massive twat

Seriously, it can’t be coincidence that ‘Flo Rida’ is an anagram of ‘Fail Rod’. Unfortunately, the only anagram I could think of for ‘T-Pain’ was… ‘Paint’…

Maroon 5 – Moves like Jagger (ft. Christina Aguilera)

Having not heard Christina Aguilera’s screeching voice for a while, I assumed she was dead. It made me happy. Then this song appeared, and alas, the dream ended. Really, I don’t understand why Maroon 5 felt that they needed to collaborate with her on this song. Trust me, it’s shit enough without her dulcet ‘monkey undergoing castration with a blunt wooden spoon’ tones added in.

The sweet, sweet smell of chlamydia

Imagine you went to your doctor for a routine check-up and he suddenly told you that you had inoperable cancer. And then kicked you in the balls/punched you in the ovaries. That’s what this song is. Unnecessary cruelty.

David Guetta – anything related to David Guetta, starting with his birth certificate and ending (hopefully) with the tattered remnants of his face wrapped around my fist

Fuck David Guetta

Goatse… Er, Goitre…? Wait, I remember now: Gotye -Somebody that I used to know

This song isn’t really that annoying, just very forgetable. The name of the artist is like a lure – it sounds exotic and interesting, like, for example, a toothbrush party. Then your brain catches up, and the disappointment is inevitable.

The fact that this guy looks like Jesus is the most exciting part of listening to this song on the radio

Labrinth [sic] – Earthquake

I actually find myself quite liking this song, for no discernable reason. Perhaps my brain took a bigger hit from Flo Rida than I previously thought. Anyway, unlike the rest of the drivel that I’ve been forced to hear, this track, with lyrics such as “I predict an earthquake”/”Throw bombs on it” is an insightful social commentary into modern Japanese history.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 10, 2012 5:25 am

    Moves like Jagger can’t be a real song. It just can’t. “Time to write a hit song, why don’t I just sing, let’s see…moves…like…Jagger! Over and over again!” This is why I don’t listen to the radio anymore. For the record, I only know this song exists because it’s been in at least three commercials that aired during football games.

    • February 11, 2012 3:37 am

      Every time I hear that song it makes me so angry that I actually feel kinda good as I daydream about Maroon 5 dying slowly and painfully. That’s probably the only reason I still listen to the radio (that and the fact that music piracy is now the kind of illegal that carries consequences). When I am king, there wont be a wall long enough for all the fucking morons who need to be first against it.

  2. February 13, 2012 2:10 pm

    Thank you for your service to the world.. and the Interwebz.

    I want to kickbox the stuffing out of that hideous Maroon 5 song. It makes me horribly violent.

    I judge people who claim to like that song. I judge hard.

    • February 15, 2012 7:30 pm

      You’re welcome, I’m working for the good of ‘The People’. Ironically, I hate most of them. Mainly because enough of them actually decided to go out and buy ‘Moves like Jagger’ that it became a ‘hit’.

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