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X-Men: First Class – Not the worst film of all time!

July 10, 2011

Yes, I am discussing a film that I watched about one month ago, but I don’t care if society judges me for it because I’m just cool like that.

Anyway, after the steaming dog turd that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine, my hopes weren’t that high for this one. In fact, in spite of the whisperings of “It’s actually really quite good!” from various people, the only reason I went to see it was because I was bored of playing old video games (which, in my defence, I was only playing because I was bored of exams). And thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised.

Holy shit, David Cameron acts out a migraine for a neurofen ad

The film, without giving too much away, looks at the early friendship of Professor X and Magneto, though they weren’t awesome enough to warrant nicknames back then, simply being known as Charles Xavier and Eric Lensherr. It all actually works pretty well; the plot is engaging enough, even if the run time is a bit too long for the material, the dialogue is pretty much the expected mix of ‘witty’ one-liners and cliche, and the special effects are excellent.

In fact, this brings me along to my main complaint with this film: the characters suck. Not all of them; Professor X is a legend, and Magneto is brilliant. It’s just that the supporting cast leave a lot to be desired. They don’t quite ruin the film, but they certainly drag it down, which is a shame, given the potential for awesome.

Angel (Zoe Kravitz):

Ok, she’s a housefly. We get it, that’s gross. There’s no need to give her excessive screen time, especially not when most of that is her buzzing around aimlessly like a bluebottle around manure. I’m pretty sure the only reason Zoe Kravitz got the role is because of her father. Lame punning aside, Angel added absolutely nothing to the film; her dialogue was pointless, her contribution to the fight scenes was pointless and her ‘power’ was pointless. Oh, I almost forgot, she can also spit tiny bombs, just like most flies.


Half stripper, half dragonfly, completely disgusting.

Banshee (Caleb Landry Jones):
I can’t be the only one thinking who the fuck is Caleb Landry Jones? That aside, Banshee was always a reasonably crappy character; afficionados of the cartoons will recall that his special power was screaming. Yes, that’s right, he’s a human rape alarm. Great if he’s a drunk female clubber in a deserted alleyway at 3am. Less useful if he’s trying to fight evil mutants. And of absolutely no interest to a paying audience.
The most irritating thing about Banshee is the way that he flies, by aiming his stupid screaming at the ground while wearing an outfit that makes him look like a paedophile disguised as a particularly disfigured flying squirrel. Many of his scenes were greeted by a collective wince from the audience, so terrible were they. Of course, being able to fly means that he can satisfy his penchant for molesting fruit bats.

Ron Weasley manages to fly without a broomstick. And in his manliest outfit to date.

 I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the vocal cords so badly.

Riptide (Alex Gonzalez):

This guy does nothing! HE DOES NOTHING! He just swans around in a suit looking like a Latino homosexual archetype, and occasionally making small tornadoes in his hands. His only real function, as far as the bad guys are concerned, is to drive their submarine around.

What's long, hard and full of seamen? Riptide. Ahahaha.

In spite of all my complaining, I actually did  really enjoy this film, the shitty supporting cast notwithstanding. I hear they’re planning a sequel. I’m not averse to that at all, and that’s the most telling praise.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 19, 2011 10:10 am

    I’m still giggling at the Riptide joke.


  2. August 4, 2011 1:20 pm

    You spoil us with two entries in the space of two days … and then disappear for 20?

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