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Harry Potter and the [Insert Noun] of [Insert Adjective/Noun]

July 7, 2011

To celebrate the forthcoming 8th cinematic outing and grand finale of the Harry Potter film franchise, I re-watched Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy in a foolhardy marathon. Alas, many things therein suddenly appeared wrong to me. Perhaps it was the sheer exhaustion as I reached ‘the wall’, commonly known as that point after about 12 hours of watching Frodo and Sam trade long, mournful, homoerotic glances on a grey background. Perhaps it was frustration at the fact that Aragorn, while apparently king of all men in Middle Earth, is incapable of washing his hair, but somehow manages to maintain his beardy stubble at a precise length without a trimmer. All I know is, I have questions that need answering.

Why was Bill Bailey cast as King Theoden of Rohan?

As far as I can tell from the script, King Theoden is a boring old fart who spends his time under Saruman’s control. Upon his rescue, he spends his time wishing he was one of his ancestors. He then spends the battle of Helm’s Deep refusing to make sense, and finally gets his arse handed to him by a Nazgul. All well and good, but is a whimsical musician/comedian really the right man for the role?

I have no idea what this guys name actually is; I tried Google, but I kept on typing 'Bill Bailey' instead.

Er... Yeah.

Which one is Pippin and which is Merry?

Honestly, no matter how many times I watch the films, and no matter how many times they’re named in the films, I can’t tell these two retards apart.

These two pointless characters are who name badges were invented for.




Why are there so many long close-ups of Frodo looking sad?

Yeah, we get it. 10 fucking hours of ring=bad in the first 2 filns, we don’t need several more hours of it in the 3rd. We’re not that stupid. Seems to me that the main effect of the ring on Frodo is turning him into a typical My Chemical Romance fan.

This poster summarises 80% of the 3rd film.

Anyway, hopefully that has ruined Lord of the Rings for anyone living in a cave without books or TV.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. July 10, 2011 3:22 am

    Until you mentioned it, I never quite realised who Theoden reminded me of. It’s the crazy, slightly dead eyes that they both have in common, I think.

    I have a few questions- how is it that Legolas is eternally beautiful and his hair never loses its glossy sheen and continues to shimmer after hanging out in the Mines of Moria.. but he can’t tell his friend Aragorn or those other grubby ‘heroes’ Boromir and Faramir about it?

    On a related note, did you ever read The Very Secret Diaries? [] (yes, I’m slightly embarrassed for myself) It’s the best thing Cassandra Claire has ever written- then she had to go and write the useless Mortal Instruments nonsense.

    So, will you watch all the Harry Potter films when The Hobbit is finally released?

  2. July 13, 2011 12:22 pm

    Hahaha, the Very Secret Diaries tickled me pink (whatever that means). I’d never heard of Cassandra Claire until you mentioned her, does that make me a literary ignoramus? Probably.

    And the only reason I haven’t watched Harry Potter 8 is because as a guy, I can’t ask my male friends without being mocked mercilessly, and I can’t ask my female friends without it sounding a bit like asking them out. Kinda. So I’ll probably watch it alone (just like HP 5,6, and 7). I’m aware that’s pathetic.

    • July 19, 2011 9:49 am

      I watched 5, 6, 7, and 8 all by myself too.

      Mostly because I don’t have any friends who care about Potter in the same country. Also because I cry and that’s just embarrassing for everyone else.

      Not knowing Cassandra Claire doesn’t make you an ignoramus. It probably means you didn’t spend your teens living on the Internet and trolling/trawling fanfiction sites.

      • July 19, 2011 9:54 am

        p.p.s. In case you think Cassie Claire is some famous writer… she wasn’t when she wrote VSD or the whole HP fanfiction.. she was only ‘big’ for the HP ~fandom that spent most of its life on the Internet reading someone else’s stories about someone else’s characters.

        Then there was drama about her plagiarising everything from Buffy to Red Dwarf. And then she stopped being Cassandra Claire and became Cassandra Clare.. published author of the AWFUL Mortal Instruments series of shite. She caused one of the biggest implosions of HP fanfiction history.

        …now do you feel so much cooler than me? Because, clearly, you are.

      • July 22, 2011 4:29 pm

        Oh my, you wouldn’t be claiming that I’m cooler than you if you met me… Most of my friends are video game characters. Yup.

        I’m now intrigued by how someone can rip off Red Dwarf while writing HP fanfiction; that surely deserves some praise, no?

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