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September 18, 2013

http://basementopinion.blogspot.co.uk/

A new, more current affairs based ranty style outlet, with more focus, but just as much ranting

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Kim Dotcom – An anticipatory obituary

February 11, 2012

Yes, it’s true, the FBI are in the process of arse-raping the internet. Kim Dotcom, famous for his exploits as an internet hacker, being a fat German and owner of MegaUpload, is probably already sharing a patch of floor with half of Al Qaeda in Gauntanamo Bay. As a tribute to the man who became an icon for video piracy on the internet and obesity, I’ve decided to write an obituary. It’s not really that premature; if the FBI don’t finish him off, then heart disease almost certainly will. And yes, I’m aware that it’s technically the New Zealand police who are currently holding him, but that’s only until the FBI can get their massive ban-hammer fully erect enough to shatter his hopes and dreams anus.

The FBI are just bullies; picking on this guy is like picking on a fat baby Meatloaf with stubble

Kim Dotcom was born Kim Schmitz on January 21st 1974 in the German city of Kiel. The citizens of the town, used to their quiet, provincial lifestyles, plentiful bratwursts and gentle alcohol excess, could not possibly have known that greatness had come among them

As a child, Kim did not stand out so much as stand across. What he lacked in personality he made up for in width. As with many great geniuses throughout history, Kim lived a lonely life, his only comfort his incredible intellectual capacity for food. Bullied incessantly by thinner, less intelligent children, Kim began to withdraw into himself, using his physical bulk as a shield against the cruelty of life. It was not until the early 1990s that Kim finally found his chance to shine.

It was at that time that the mighty Time Lord Steve Jobs travelled into the future to construct a time machine so that he could travel back in time to invent the internet by conceiving himself with a 56K modem. The resulting data explosion created the interwebnethighway, and started a global boom in the pornography industry. As a compulsive masturbation addict (i.e. a man), Kim soon found that he had a way with computers that he lacked with women. Computers were everything that women were not – logical, unable to run away and complete with an instruction manual. Additionally, classes for how to program computers weren’t as expensive or rapey as NLP classes run by sex-pest pick-up artists/evil wizards.

Mystery - a pick up artist. It's probably unfair to stereotype him as a sexually ambiguous rapist, in the same way that it's unfair to assume that a man balls-deep in a sheep is a sick fuck

The teenage Kim soon earned a reputation as the greatest hacker in all of Kiel, effortlessly cracking several US corporate systems. However, unlike most basement dwelling, perpetually single computer hacking nerds, Kim was not satisfied with the simple thrill of outwitting such basic security. He knew, even then, that money was the key to his happiness. Given that he was one of the best hackers the still young internet had ever experienced, Kim tried a career in data protection. Not much is known about why he failed, but almost certainly it was through no fault of his own. It probably had something to do with the residual temporal flux from Steve Jobs’ eternal battle on the axis of time with his immortal enemy, Bill “You look like you’re writing a letter, do you need help” Gates. Even in the face of such adversity, Kim could not be overcome, and in 1994 he started his own data security company. He named it ‘DataProtect’.

It's important to protect both one's balls and data

Unfortunately for Kim, soon after this he was arrested for trading in stolen credit card numbers. Some say that the FBI needed to sate their rapacious desire for legal smackdowns, and targeted an innocent young Kim. However, such cheap tactics were not enough to hold Kim Dotcom, who escaped from federal prison with ease, using his immense bulk to knock out one guard, and eating another. Alternatively, he may just have been given a probationary sentence of two years. We may never know the truth.

While Kim could sense the currents of the future flowing around him, he was not clairvoyant. He knew that something terrible was coming and it chilled him to the bone, even wrapped in the warmth of the dot-com bubble and his own significant layers of adipose insulation. In 2000, Kim sold 80% of the shares in DataProtect to some faggy other company. In 2001, that same company went bankrupt as the dot-com bubble burst and sprayed the markets in soapy internet liquid, causing them to crash due to the stinging in their eyes. Was this all coincidence? Experts consider that to be highly unlikely; it is probable that Kim, sensing that something was amiss, consulted a soothsayer.

Kim was now a fully grown man; 6’6″ tall, and weighing in at 300 tonnes, he now had the physical presence to match his vast intellect. Using this well-earned cash, Kim engaged in some ingenius insider trading. The Feds, jealous of his newfound success, decided to attempt to gang rape Kim, but showing that they lacked the ability to learn from past mistakes, they ended up slamming him with yet another crappy 2 year probation.

It was shortly after this, in 2005, that Kim achieved his greatest masterwork – the creation of Megaupload. Based in Communist China free Hong Kong, Kim was able to make money by exploiting pop-stars. Of course, the concept of a lazy fuck profiteering from a singer’s work is something completely alien to record companies, who collectively clenched their buttocks at the shitstorm of music piracy that was flooding the internet (threatening to overwhelm the porn), the vast majority of which had nothign to do with Kim Dotcom. After 7 years of multimillionaire bitch-boys crying about how unfair it was that someone other than themselves was getting rich, the FBI sensed that the time was ripe to finally complete their vengeance. Sony Music sealed the deal by promising the Feds 17 free copies of an Abba CD of their choice, a Lil Jon-English dictionary, and both of Lady Gaga’s testicles. Thus for 20 pieces of shit, the saviour of the internet was sold out, made to be a scapegoat for… Fuck knows.

On January 20, 2012, armed New Zealand sheep police officers raided the Auckland mansion of Kim Dotcom and spit-roasted him with their riot control truncheons. His mouth and anus still reeling from the foul taste of merino justice, Kim had no choice but to submit to this humiliation. Now the fattest man of our generation can do nothing but await his extradition to the USA where the adipophobic FBI are eagerly awaiting his arrival.

A typical New Zealand police officer in full uniform, complete with penis warmer

And so ends the tale of Kim Dotcom, destined to spend the rest of his life losing weight in Guantanamo Bay.

Radiowipe

February 9, 2012

Fear not, radio fans! Once again, I subject my ears to the most terrible abuse, so that you don’t have to!

Flo Rida – Wild Ones ft Sia

I don’t know who or what ‘Sia’ is. But whatever he/she/it is, they have made a deal with the devil. Not a metaphorical deal. I mean literally, with the devil. Flo Rida is surely divine punishment for the sins of mankind; truly, God is not merciful.

Anyway, I remember hearing this song on the radio, and when I woke up from the anger stroke I suffered, I decided to rant about it online. Being the conscientious reporter that I am, I decided to find the song on youtube in order to re-experience the horror, when I came across this little gem that made my day.

37 people helping the dream come true

I honestly can’t think of anything to add to that. Genius comments aside, I then forced myself to listen to the ‘song’. The lyrics seem to go “blah blah wild one, ooooooooooooh, blah blah blah wild one, blah blah blah ooooooooooooh, blah blah wild one wild one wild one wild one” which by Flo Rida’s standard is a veritable paragon of eloquence and elegance. The only good thing about it was when it ended.

No Mr Rida, that facial hair does not in any way make you look like a massive twat

Seriously, it can’t be coincidence that ‘Flo Rida’ is an anagram of ‘Fail Rod’. Unfortunately, the only anagram I could think of for ‘T-Pain’ was… ‘Paint’…

Maroon 5 – Moves like Jagger (ft. Christina Aguilera)

Having not heard Christina Aguilera’s screeching voice for a while, I assumed she was dead. It made me happy. Then this song appeared, and alas, the dream ended. Really, I don’t understand why Maroon 5 felt that they needed to collaborate with her on this song. Trust me, it’s shit enough without her dulcet ‘monkey undergoing castration with a blunt wooden spoon’ tones added in.

The sweet, sweet smell of chlamydia

Imagine you went to your doctor for a routine check-up and he suddenly told you that you had inoperable cancer. And then kicked you in the balls/punched you in the ovaries. That’s what this song is. Unnecessary cruelty.

David Guetta – anything related to David Guetta, starting with his birth certificate and ending (hopefully) with the tattered remnants of his face wrapped around my fist

Fuck David Guetta

Goatse… Er, Goitre…? Wait, I remember now: Gotye -Somebody that I used to know

This song isn’t really that annoying, just very forgetable. The name of the artist is like a lure – it sounds exotic and interesting, like, for example, a toothbrush party. Then your brain catches up, and the disappointment is inevitable.

The fact that this guy looks like Jesus is the most exciting part of listening to this song on the radio

Labrinth [sic] – Earthquake

I actually find myself quite liking this song, for no discernable reason. Perhaps my brain took a bigger hit from Flo Rida than I previously thought. Anyway, unlike the rest of the drivel that I’ve been forced to hear, this track, with lyrics such as “I predict an earthquake”/”Throw bombs on it” is an insightful social commentary into modern Japanese history.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

January 25, 2012

Instead of the almost obligatory ‘New Year’ post, I’ve decided to review a film. Well, I call it a film. I suppose it’s actually a Scientology fundraiser. (Note to Church of Scientology: please don’t rape me, I promise I’m not a depraved Xenu worshipper bent on increasing planetary thetan levels)

Well, where to start? I had heard good things about this film before going to see it. Of course, I heard good things about Twilight, but I didn’t bother to go see that violent horse diarrhoea, mainly because the people who had good things to say about Twilight were fucking morons. I should point out, I don’t want to cause offence to any Twilight fans. No, I want to cause grievous bodily harm. You people are worse than AIDS. I mean, there was a NATO offensive against Colonel Gadaffi, and yet Twilight fans are free to walk the streets?

But I digress. Ghost Protocol, or GP (because I’m that damn lazy), is a film about Tom Cruise, some blah blah blah characters, Simon Pegg, an old man (not Tom Cruise, another old man), Russians, and a really tall building. Now if that summary didn’t give you any idea about that film, then neither will actually watching it.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually quite enjoyed it. There’s plenty of action, Tom Cruise and tall building (yes, singular, unfortunately). There’s also a reasonable amount of Simon Pegg, providing the comic relief, naturally. It’s certainly entertaining. The dialogue itself is also not as terrible as I was worried, and there’s a certain amount of self parody that was missing from MI2/3.

My main gripe is really with the plot. The reason I really enjoyed the first Mission Impossible film was that the plot was interesting, and full of more twists and turns than an epileptic snake. Unfortunately, GP just doesn’t quite match that. It wasn’t as plotless as, say, Blade Trinity, but it also didn’t live up to MI1.

But taking all of the film’s positive points into account, it’s definitely a decent evenings entertainment. I just wouldn’t recommend paying the CoS too much money for it.

Yes, I’m aware that this post is rather short. So’s Tom Cruise.

X-Men: First Class – Not the worst film of all time!

July 10, 2011

Yes, I am discussing a film that I watched about one month ago, but I don’t care if society judges me for it because I’m just cool like that.

Anyway, after the steaming dog turd that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine, my hopes weren’t that high for this one. In fact, in spite of the whisperings of “It’s actually really quite good!” from various people, the only reason I went to see it was because I was bored of playing old video games (which, in my defence, I was only playing because I was bored of exams). And thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised.

Holy shit, David Cameron acts out a migraine for a neurofen ad

The film, without giving too much away, looks at the early friendship of Professor X and Magneto, though they weren’t awesome enough to warrant nicknames back then, simply being known as Charles Xavier and Eric Lensherr. It all actually works pretty well; the plot is engaging enough, even if the run time is a bit too long for the material, the dialogue is pretty much the expected mix of ‘witty’ one-liners and cliche, and the special effects are excellent.

In fact, this brings me along to my main complaint with this film: the characters suck. Not all of them; Professor X is a legend, and Magneto is brilliant. It’s just that the supporting cast leave a lot to be desired. They don’t quite ruin the film, but they certainly drag it down, which is a shame, given the potential for awesome.

Angel (Zoe Kravitz):

Ok, she’s a housefly. We get it, that’s gross. There’s no need to give her excessive screen time, especially not when most of that is her buzzing around aimlessly like a bluebottle around manure. I’m pretty sure the only reason Zoe Kravitz got the role is because of her father. Lame punning aside, Angel added absolutely nothing to the film; her dialogue was pointless, her contribution to the fight scenes was pointless and her ‘power’ was pointless. Oh, I almost forgot, she can also spit tiny bombs, just like most flies.

 

Half stripper, half dragonfly, completely disgusting.

Banshee (Caleb Landry Jones):
 
I can’t be the only one thinking who the fuck is Caleb Landry Jones? That aside, Banshee was always a reasonably crappy character; afficionados of the cartoons will recall that his special power was screaming. Yes, that’s right, he’s a human rape alarm. Great if he’s a drunk female clubber in a deserted alleyway at 3am. Less useful if he’s trying to fight evil mutants. And of absolutely no interest to a paying audience.
 
The most irritating thing about Banshee is the way that he flies, by aiming his stupid screaming at the ground while wearing an outfit that makes him look like a paedophile disguised as a particularly disfigured flying squirrel. Many of his scenes were greeted by a collective wince from the audience, so terrible were they. Of course, being able to fly means that he can satisfy his penchant for molesting fruit bats.

Ron Weasley manages to fly without a broomstick. And in his manliest outfit to date.

 I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the vocal cords so badly.

Riptide (Alex Gonzalez):

This guy does nothing! HE DOES NOTHING! He just swans around in a suit looking like a Latino homosexual archetype, and occasionally making small tornadoes in his hands. His only real function, as far as the bad guys are concerned, is to drive their submarine around.

What's long, hard and full of seamen? Riptide. Ahahaha.

In spite of all my complaining, I actually did  really enjoy this film, the shitty supporting cast notwithstanding. I hear they’re planning a sequel. I’m not averse to that at all, and that’s the most telling praise.

Harry Potter and the [Insert Noun] of [Insert Adjective/Noun]

July 7, 2011

To celebrate the forthcoming 8th cinematic outing and grand finale of the Harry Potter film franchise, I re-watched Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy in a foolhardy marathon. Alas, many things therein suddenly appeared wrong to me. Perhaps it was the sheer exhaustion as I reached ‘the wall’, commonly known as that point after about 12 hours of watching Frodo and Sam trade long, mournful, homoerotic glances on a grey background. Perhaps it was frustration at the fact that Aragorn, while apparently king of all men in Middle Earth, is incapable of washing his hair, but somehow manages to maintain his beardy stubble at a precise length without a trimmer. All I know is, I have questions that need answering.

Why was Bill Bailey cast as King Theoden of Rohan?

As far as I can tell from the script, King Theoden is a boring old fart who spends his time under Saruman’s control. Upon his rescue, he spends his time wishing he was one of his ancestors. He then spends the battle of Helm’s Deep refusing to make sense, and finally gets his arse handed to him by a Nazgul. All well and good, but is a whimsical musician/comedian really the right man for the role?

I have no idea what this guys name actually is; I tried Google, but I kept on typing 'Bill Bailey' instead.

Er... Yeah.

Which one is Pippin and which is Merry?

Honestly, no matter how many times I watch the films, and no matter how many times they’re named in the films, I can’t tell these two retards apart.

These two pointless characters are who name badges were invented for.

 

 

 

Why are there so many long close-ups of Frodo looking sad?

Yeah, we get it. 10 fucking hours of ring=bad in the first 2 filns, we don’t need several more hours of it in the 3rd. We’re not that stupid. Seems to me that the main effect of the ring on Frodo is turning him into a typical My Chemical Romance fan.

This poster summarises 80% of the 3rd film.

Anyway, hopefully that has ruined Lord of the Rings for anyone living in a cave without books or TV.

7am waking up in the morning

April 26, 2011

Seriously, waking up at 7am? Lazy bitch, I have to wake up at 6am, but you don’t hear me inflicting shitty songs on an unsuspecting planet.

The amazing repugnance of this… ‘song’… has already been well chronicled. I wont add anything else to it, but I am curious as to why she has to go to a bus stop to get in a car. It’s not a bus. And who the fuck is that old paedophile who helpfully takes time out from chasing a carful of 13 year olds to rap some inane lyrics about OMG CHANGING FUCKING LANES OH SHIT WOAH.

Anyway, my main point is that we should all be grateful to Rebecca Black because she has provided some of the funniest shit I’ve seen on the internet in a long time. It’s almost worth listening to the song. FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN